Neither Here Nor There

I am missing my late grandma. To me, she was my best listener. Always comforting. No bias opinion and no judgement. Too many things going on my mind. Talking to someone the other day makes things worse. And today, i couldn't help myself. Feeling empty. Took the girls into the room, switched the light off and i cried my heart out. Some things are better left unsaid. More often than not, i keep things to myself. I don't know what went wrong but i know i could be happier. Whatever it is, i can live without everyone or anything but not these 2 angels.

Us today. Sophie's baptism at St Joseph's Cathedral, Kuching.

Tensi

Tension ke? adala sikit. Kalau dulu, tension pasal dilemma on breastfeeding vs bottle feeding. Sekarang ni tensi sebab Sophie langsung tak boleh kena tinggal. Tinggal kejap je "mekkk...". So many times, i have to rush my showertime. Itupun kadang2 orang cakap i lengah2kan masa. Slow sangat they said. Hmmm...missing mom. My mom would let me have my 'me' time at least to have a decent shower. She'll try to entertain Sophie. Not all the time Sophie needs me. Kdg2 cranky sebab nak tido, tak semestinya nak nenen je. Tp, tu la...only my mom je knows that. Yesterday, i went out without combing my hair. Makeup? apa tu? hehe...It strucked me that "this is too much". I need to look good (decent,at least...) to feel good.

Nak jumpa kawan pun susah sekarang. I want mom!

Fuyohhh!

Adoila...punyalah bersawang blog ni.

Tiba2 memang rasa kena mengaku that i don't have spare time to update this blog. FB pun normally check thru mobile je. Itupun kalau si kecik Sophie tu dah tido.

Si tecik ni dah masuk 2 bulan. Dah pandai "gugu gaga" bila kena agah. Neck pun dah strong sikit. Weighs at 5kgs. Sekarang dah masuk buai. Sebabnya, dia tak akan tido selain dari dipeluk mommy. So, susah i nak buat kerja. Err...baca tak the previous entry? We are still breastfeeding. And this time it is exclusively already. Yay! So far so good la. Nangis je, sumbat. Takmo dah fikir banyak2. Masalahnya bila Mommy nak jalan2 cuci mata la. Dahla most malls takde nursing room kan. Twice dah i feed her in the fitting room, berdiri pulak tu. Takpela kan... :)

Si kakak pulak syoklah duduk Kuching ni. Macam2 aktiviti dia. Petang td tolong her grandma water the plants. Acara penutupannya, she watered herself. She is so into music nowadays. Boleh dikatakan setiap masa, she'll be singing. Lagu terbaru are: Impossible (Shontelle) and G6 (VIP). Then this girl sangatlah semangat ke'malaysian'an. She must have LAH in her sentences. Friendly tu mmg her trademark la kan. Ntah sapa2 dia says "hello". Then "bye, see you tomorrow". Ayat2 wajib.

Ok takat tu je la dulu k. Bila dah lama tak update ni, cerita banyak sangat. Bila dah banyak, tak tau nak mulakan macam mana. Nanti2 update lagi la...chiao!

Happy Heart

'Happy heart' is how Milan describes any heart shapes with bright colours.

Reading this entry from Puteri makes me wanna blog about the same thing too. I've been wanting to write about my experience bf'ing' Sophie but i put so much thought that i ended up not writing anything at all. I truly understand the pressure every mother has to face when it comes to breastfeeding. And i don't want to be that kind of woman who make it sound so easy.

Like all mothers, i am very supportive of breastfeeding. I support my friends too. And i talked to two mothers whom breastfed their daughters for 2 years. Homemaker and no EBM. Direct feeding all the way. And let me share with you their success key: "Fikiran kena kosong masa breastfeeding. Let it happen naturally". And i believe them. When i was bf'ing' Milan i keep on watching her anxiously. Whether there's milk flowing out, whether it is enough until next feeding. So many things going through my head.

And my milk don't come early. Only on the 3rd day. And adalah suara2 sumbang mengatakan "you ni tak cukup makan, tu la takda milk", "makan ikan yu then your milk will come out" etc...Well, this time i take things easily. I buat pekak je. Sebabnya, orang yang bagi nasihat tu tak breastfeeding langsung pun. And then, i memang takde dah sibuk2 nak cari forum ke discussion website about breastfeeding. It's true what Puteri mentioned in her blog, if you baca apa yg those people write there memang pressure nak be on par with them. So, i avoid those sites.

Breastpump pulak. My hand pump, Avent apa ntah tu macam dah tak elok. Macam dah tak kuat je grip. So, i've decided to use my own pump, the best in town. Jenama SOPHIE. Takde pump lain yang dapat menandingi pump ni. Very efficient. Confirm takde engorgement. Again, from forums and blogs, i used to compare my EBM amount with others. Kan ada kan, orang yg pump boleh dapat 8oz or more sekali pump. Tangkap gambar nih. Again, i ignored those.

Up until now, masih ada lagi la suara2 sumbang. Like "ada ke ur milk ni?", "cukup ke ur milk tu?". As long as my girl don't cry her heart out to show she needs more, that's mean she has enough. Lantaklah, kadang2 memang perasan masa dia suckle tu takdalah air susu melimpah2 kan. Ignore lagi.

Pasal formula pulak. Sophie is supplemented with formula. Kalau betul2 macam dia nangis tak tahu sebab and looks like she is hungry. And guess what, i don't fell bad at all. Thanks to Papa. For his support on that part. Antara ayat2 yang memberi semangat untuk tak feel down "...we are not those people and it is not the end of the world if you can't do it". And there is one article he got for me too, saying something like "the baby don't really need to fully breastfeed to get all the benefit from bf". Kira kalau boleh fully bf, betterla. Tapi kalau campur2 pun takpe. It is just that kalau campur ni, slowly will affect production je.

Sophie is 3kgs upon birth and during her 1month check up, she was 4.1kgs. And she is 99% breastfed. So, bolehlah kan. Kira cukuplah my milk yg taklah sampai mencurah2. And we are still happily breastfeeding and there are times when my mom insisted on feeding her with formula. And lucky me, Sophie hates the rubber nipples. So, everytime she is given formula mesti macam tak reti nak hisap, so byk terkeluar2. Then, she hates pacifier too! Tapi, bila takda pacifier...memang kena layan her needs to suckle. Like very very frequent. Takpelah, bukan pegi mana2 pun i ni kan.

I don't set or aim any time frame so as to give myself  "fikiran kosong". Again, like Puteri said, nak breastfeed baby sampai titisan terakhir. So, if you are a mother that needs to feed your baby with formula, don't feel bad about it. It won't make you a bad mommy ya. Chin up!!!

Loves...

Still here

We are still here.
Pengakuan ikhlas: Memang malas sangat nak update blog ni.

Among past events that happened in our lives:

- Sophie is 1 mos+ already

- Milan's 2nd birthday on 26.12.2010

Other than that, i am pretty occupied with the girls. Milan just recovered from fever and still coughing. So are mommy and Sophie. I guess it must be because of Miri's weather. Kejap panas, kejap hujan. Next Saturday, the daddy will come and then we'll go to Kuching. Moving places again. We don't like! Hopefully KL will be our 'nesting' place for few years at least.

Till then (don't know when :) )